I killed a motorcyclist a little over 2 years ago by making a swift left-hand turn. I was 17 and on my way to do volunteer work. I didn't quite know where the building was (except for it being on the left-hand side of the road) and so when it came up on me I just panicked and turned into an oncoming motorcyclist. He flew up onto my windshield and was killed instantly...and his wife was driving in her car behind him and saw it all happen and they had only been married for 2 months. And then I was only charged with traffic violations and 3 points on my license and not manslaughter because I wasn't drunk or talking on a cell phone or speeding. There was even an article written about it in our regional newspaper (in fact, there's a thread here discussing it). And I just want to kill myself because everyone thought I just drove off into the sunset afterwards and I don't know how to make up for and there's nothing punitive the law can do to me.

Anyway, I've never had any contact with this man's family, and I desperately want to. I want them to know the impact this has had on my life and to convey just how much I know their lives have changed, too. That his parents have outlived their son, that his wife became a widow while newlywed. That they're all I think about. At the same time, I don't know if they ever want to hear from me. And it's been over 2 years.

I don't want to ramble on. I came here to ask you what you would want to hear from someone who's killed a person you loved. I've wanted to write a letter but I also think meeting one-on-one might bring some closure. At the same time, I don't know if it's appropriate, or what other people have done. I'd really appreciate if you shared your experiences with anything like this.

Thank you.

i would want ya dead, but thats just me, live and learn

artichokes wrote:

....And I just want to kill myself because everyone thought I just drove off into the sunset afterwards and I don't know how to make up for and there's nothing punitive the law can do to me.

I don't know what the man's family would want. Two years later would they even want to see you? I dunno. And I don't really know what to tell you except please don't harm yourself (quoted above). There is absolutely no sense in another death. Just don't do it. It will only cause more pain because SOMEBODY loves you and you don't want to cause them pain.

Perhaps you should share your experience (as you have done here) with others. Schools, scouts, volunteer groups, etc... it may help prevent another tragedy.



I hope you find solace. Drive safe. I'll bet you are one of the safest drivers out there now. And don't listen to Righteous. He wants everybody dead.

I would suggest a letter to the family. They most likely will not want to meet you, but a letter of apology would be good for closure on their part and yours. Saying you're sorry is a good thing, although it will not bring the person back it at least lets their loved ones know that you regret what has happened.

I wish you the best in finding peace with yourself. Hurting yourself will do nobody any good.

I can't tell you what to do nor would I want to. But I live by a 12 step program and the 9th step says: make direct amends to such people wherever possible, EXCEPT when to do so would injure them or others. So if it were me, I would be talking long and hard to a preacher, counsler, or a sponsor. Then with their help formulate a plan of action. Then probably have a 3rd person make the first approach to the family to see if they are even ready to listen. The last thing I would want to do is cause more pain to this family.

I have some mixed feelings about this thread but I will wish you all the best.

If you're looking for advice, then mine to you would be let the family be. They're moving through their lives now and hopefully past the initial grieving process.

I suppose I'd have to ask you if going to the family and apologizing is for their benefit or for yours. If you're concerned with the family, leave them alone. If you're concerned with your own healing process, still leave the family alone and talk to a counselor of some kind.

Spare the family reopening their wound just to heal yours.

Logan101 wrote:

Spare the family reopening their wound just to heal yours.

This is what I've been leaning toward. It's why I've been so reluctant to contact them in the first place. I don't want my silence to seem callous - on the other hand, I don't want to make things worse for them. It's so hard to figure out what "the right thing" is.

I've also thought about contacting the priest of their church (I've heard they're involved members) but I don't want to be invasive either. I'm really afraid of contacting them directly without having any idea how it will impact them.

What you want is to ease the feeling of guilt on your shoulders. By going to this dead biker's family, and seeking their attention, you're only serving yourself.

Leave them alone. They don't really want to see you.

This seems to be troubling you terribly, I think the advise of talking with their priest or preacher and letting him guide" you" it should be of help to you and if he thinks so them too!! I would not contact them on your own, It could be way to painful for them.

yep, leave the family be. Find a way to dump the bricks you're dragging around but if it ain't done by now, meeting the family likely won't do them any good. Let go and get yourself some help please.

rickbnsa